Bed Hopping

I spent some time today satisfying a certain itch that seems to come along every six or seven years in a marriage.  I think we all know what I'm referring to here, don't we? 

I've spent years avoiding bedtime.  I've stayed up late, watching all the prime time programming I could stomach, until my eyes feel like meatballs, and I finally succumb to my husband's urges to retire. I slowly climb the staircase, looking at every step as if it were a mini Mt Everest, constantly turning back to see how far I've come, and trying to think of some excuse to retreat back down the mountain range.  "Oh, I think I left some laundry in the dryer", or "I want to check my Facebook one more time."

When I've exhausted all excuses, I slink beneath the comforter, knowing what's going to happen next, and dreading every long, drawn out moment of it.  It's always the same old thing.  I get into the typical position, and then switch into several others, just trying to achieve that elusive satisfaction.  Then comes the moaning, and more often than not, the pain.  

Well, I had finally had enough, and decided to give in to my self indulgent urges.  I went out, met some new people, and immediately began experimenting.  I did some bed hopping...  played a little mattress tag.  Let's just say I laid my head on more pillows in this one afternoon, than I have in the whole past decade!  I spent a little time on my back, but I much prefer to be on my side.  I guess that's what happens after having four kids, and putting on a few extra pounds. 

It was very enjoyable, trying out new things, and being reminded of what it's supposed to feel like.  The first one was nice.  The second one just wasn't "firm" enough.  The third, whoa, too hard!  My fourth time was amazing, with all the bells and whistles.  The experience had me feeling so relaxed I just wanted our time together to go on forever.  However, it was like test driving a Lamborghini; a fun ride, but way too high maintenance to own!

The fifth was also very nice, but Hubsy and I just couldn't get into sync with it.  Oh, did I mention that I dragged Hubsy along?  I had to, he's the man with the money, and this kind of thing doesn't come cheap.  Besides, he deserves this just as much as I do.

Anyway, the sixth time was the most invigorating twenty minutes I've had in a long time!  I rolled out of that bed, completely energized, and eager for a repeat performance.  So, Hubs paid the necessary charges, and we made arrangements to experience it again, in our own home! 

Before long, the exhaustion set in, and we headed for home, and hot pot of fresh coffee.  But come Monday, our new mattress set will be delivered!  Finally, after six years of sleeping on a true medieval torture device, we will rest in peace and comfort, and get some healthy, regenerative sleep.

What did you think I was talking about?!  Geeez!

Hurricane St Nicholas - A Ten List

I think it's quite ironic that the Atlantic Hurricane season ends just about the time that the Christmas season begins. They both require the same amount of preparation, cause a similar amount of anxiety, and leave us with an equal amount of destruction.  With that in mind, may I present my Top Ten List of the week:

Ten Things That Christmas and Hurricanes Have In Common

1)  Preparing:  Thanks to modern meteorological technology, we can see a hurricane developing, track it's movements, and predict when and where it will make it's landfall. Thus we know when to begin our preparations, although most people wait until a storm has been named to do so. Similarly, we see Christmas coming from twelve months away every year, though most of us don't begin preparing until the season opener, the day after Thanksgiving.

2)  Collecting:  Although the types of materials we collect may vary per event, there are indeed necessary materials to collect for both events. For one, there is a need for sheets of wood and plastic, electric generators and batteries, flashlights and candles, and rolls of tape. For the other, we collect sheets of colorful paper, blinking lights and decorations, and oddly enough... candles, batteries, and rolls of tape. Coincidence? I think not.

3)  Hoarding:  We also gather food supplies for these two separate events.  A hurricane requires gallons and gallons of water, and a generous portion of canned foods.  Things that can sustain us through the physical hardship.  The holiday calls for turkeys and hams, potatoes of the white or sweet varieties, breads, pies, and cookies.  Comfort food to sustain us through the emotional chaos.

4)  Anticipation:  We sit, huddled together in the family room, telling stories, or singing familiar chanties, while we await the storm. Dopplers are tracking the eye of the hurricane and the fat man's sleigh.  Sleepless hours pass, and still we wait.  Then, with the dawning of the sun... let the games begin!

5)  The Experience:  Still, or rather once again, we find ourselves huddled together in one room.  The overhead lights are flashing on and off, or the colorful lights on the tree are blinking.  We either hear the groaning and howling of the wind announcing it's arrival, or of Eartha Kitt declaring what she wants from Santa Claus.  We experience things first hand that we've only ever seen on television; a neighbor's roof passing by like a low flying plane, a Snuggie, street signs fervently rattling, a Chia Head.  

6)  The Aftermath:  In the end, in both cases, we are left with days worth of recuperating.  Outside there may be fallen trees, and roofing tiles strewn about the yard;  but inside there are hollowed out boxes, torn bits of paper, and ribbons strewn about the house.

7)  Communication:  Suddenly, there is a need to make contact with everyone you know to see how they made out.

8)  Vacation:  The kids will now have days, or weeks off from school.  Even though there's plenty to do, they will eventually suffer a case of boredom, and we will count the days until the school reopens, and the kids are once again out of our hair.

9)  The Cleanup:  At first, we'll survey the damage, and then be absolutely frustrated at not even knowing where to begin.  We'll fill bag after bag of debris, and wonder if the county will throw in an extra day of trash service.  There will be the rearranging of furniture to accommodate new items that have been brought into the home, like tree branches or HDTVs.

10)  Moving On:  There will come a time when we will have to put it all behind us, and get on with our regular routines.   The event will not be soon forgotten, and we will continue to speak of it for weeks yet to come.  We may even promise that next time, we'll be better prepared and earlier, (though most of us probably won't).   

Misconceived Ideas Kids Have About Parents

Going hand in hand with How To Show Kids That Parents Are Not Furniture, here are ten misconceptions that children have about their parents.

1)  The sole and most important reason for our existence on the planet is ... them.  Our careers are only the means to supply them with their every wish.  Our hobbies and interests are only a way to pass the time, until they call on us again, to fulfill their every demand.  What's ours in theirs, and what's theirs... seems insignificant compared to what's ours, and that's why they want it!

2)  That we keep a secret storage unit somewhere, full of batteries, replacement parts, food, cash, and an assortment of other items.  When something is needed or wanted, we simply pull it out of our... "unit"... so to speak!

3)  That we have no interest in sexuality.  In fact, once the last child was born, all parental sexual organs ceased to function.  They may have even completely disappeared! 

4)  That we find their forms of entertainment just as exhilarating as they do.  That we would enjoy a hot bath, a glass of wine, and losing ourselves in a Junie B. Jones novel.  That we sit on the edge of our seats, worried that Justin and Alex are going to get caught using their wizard powers in public.

5)  That we know everything about everything.  (This misconception comes at an early age, disappears, and then returns in their mid twenties).  Now, in the age of Google, it's easy to perpetuate this phase.  Within minutes I can provide a list of criteria that separates a mammal from an amphibian, or the life cycle of an earthworm, or even the Pythagorean theorem.  It's when the questions are phrased in a personal way that I feign ignorance.  "So, Mom, do you remember what it was like during the first ice age?" ... I don't know, Honey, I was vacationing in Bermuda that year. 

6)  That we know nothing about anything.  (This endearing phase fills the mysterious gap between the number 5s).  I would give you an example, but what do I know?  I'm just a parent. 

7)  That we were never children, or that times have changed so drastically since we were, that our memories of it are irrelevant to the now.  We have no idea how frustrating homework can be, or how much chores can suck.  Or, as in number 8, we haven't already been inside that bag of tricks, to get something over on a parent.

8)  That our brain cells disintegrate at an alarming rate, past the age of thirty, to the point of sheer gullibility, rendering us utterly defenseless against the many explanations (aka excuses) about low grades, messy rooms, and missed curfews.

9)  That Mom and Dad run the household as a democracy, where everyone gets a vote in every proposition, and every vote counts equally.  That they have certain inalienable rights, to free speech, free press, and free rent.

10) Mom and Dad will always be there, even when they wish we weren't.  We are also guilty of this.  Not a single one of us, parent or child, is guaranteed a life of eighty or more years.  So, lets choose our battles more carefully, and hug each other more often, while we still can.