Ten Things That Have Me Growing Old Grumpily

Like most other women my age, I am struggling with the process of growing older.  Of course, I do the best I can with what I have to work with, but sometimes, I sure wish I had a little more to work with.  These are my top ten complaints about the ticking of the clock.

1)  Sad Eyes:  When my children were young, I would read to them every night before bed.  We read One Fish Two Fish, Hop on Pop, and other old favorites.  Now that we're all quite a bit older, they have begun reading to me.  We read the directions on the back of the Tylenol bottle, the list of ingredients on the sides of food packages, the cooking suggestions on the pork roast, and so on.

2)  Fifty Shades of Gray:  The gray in my temples refuses to be covered by any coloring kit, even the ones made for "stubborn grays", but I don't mind.  I like my gray temples.  They make me feel distinguished, and I feel like I've earned every one of them.  But the grays that are showing up... ummm... elsewhere... are really starting to bother me.  These are the ones that nobody wants to say that they've earned.

3)  Say Whaaa?:  It has become a running joke in my family, and even I laugh along, but this hearing loss is quite a nuisance.  Aside from the constant ringing in my ears, I 'm bothered by the thought that there may be birds that I can't hear singing.  Or little nuances in the music that I may be missing.  And there isn't a conversation that goes by without me having to ask "what?" about seven times.  Damn you, 1984 Boombox on my shoulder!

4)  Filling in the Blanks:  When roasting a chicken from the scratchiest of scratch, there's no such thing as overplucking the bird.  But when it comes to eyebrows, overplucking is definitely an issue.  After so many years, they just don't grow back.  And the ones that do are like bristles from the brush I use to clean the back yard grill.  So now, in order to keep from looking as if I'm in a constant state of surprise, I've had to buddy up with my eyebrow pencil.  But at least I'm not the like the neighbor I knew as a child, who shaved her eyebrows and then used her pencil to purposefully create the overplucked constant state of surprise look.

5)  Tanning The Hyde:  Yes, in my younger years, I lathered up with oil and laid my body out to bake.  And of course, as a lover of the outdoors (and of spending time in the sun), I have suffered several serious burns.  Although I count myself as pretty darn lucky that I haven't developed any sort of skin cancer (as of yet), I am forced to live my life behind the mask of sun damage.  Dark spots, and an uneven skin tone that keep me covered in Cover Girl.

6)  The Flibber Flab:  I've always heard that those last ten pounds are the hardest to lose, but it's not the weight that bugs me the most.  No, that would have to be the lack of muscle tone.  I said my final farewells to the flat tummy, and the firm triceps long ago, but do they have to add insult to injury by jiggling so darn much?

7)  Tennis Balls in Tube Socks:  I heard this description from a stand up comic, years before I could relate.  Okay, it is a bit of an exaggeration, but believe me, there's no need to thump the melons... I can tell you that they're not as firm as they use to be.

8)  Combination Skin:  No, I'm not talking about that dreaded T-zone, that oil field that sits smack dab in the middle of a dry facial Sahara.  I'm talking about having one foot on either side of the timeline.  Like the commercial says "You've got your mother's wrinkles, and your teenager's acne, simultaneously".  But the hormonal roller coaster doesn't end there, it whisks me right into the next number...

9)  Out of Season:  The hormonal change... It may be a roller coaster, but it's certainly no joy ride.  So many changes are taking place.  Like when the bedroom morphs into a sauna somewhere around the witching hour, and you find yourself pouring ice cubes down your nightgown.  First you laugh about it, then you bitch about it, then you cry about it.  Geeez.  It's a lot like being pregnant... in July!

10)  Cramming For Finals:  I'm a bit unnerved by all the new exams that come with age.  Three years ago, the doctor threw me for a loop, and threw an EKG into the lineup of my yearly physical.  And then early this year, I experienced my first "mammal-o-gram".  How can my body be deteriorating, while my mind is still rockin' out, and crushing on hot college dudes?            

If you can relate to me, on any one of these points... or have a new one to add to the list ... please leave a comment, and share your indignity with the rest of us, so that we don't feel so alone.



  1. I have to fight the urge to moan every time I get off of the couch. Moaning USED to be reserved for much more *energetic* activities. :)

  2. Okay, so maybe I'm only 25 and haven't yet gone through most of these... But I'm already reading labels on everything, when my hair sheds, 1% of them grow back in silver, I have quite a bit of the "flibber flab" that I'm currently working off (and praying to continue working out for muscle tone), The Girls look down unless I force them to aim otherwise, I have to use acne facial wash (though the working out might have something to do with that), and to top it all off, there are facebook posts all over the internet talking about "Kids of the '80s remember these shows", or "You know you're old when..." and I realize just how much I've been through in my what-I-thought-was-short life so far.

  3. Crystal, reading those nutrition labels is a sign of maturity, but having to have your kids read them TO you is a sign of macular degeneration, which comes with age. Now GET OFF MY LAWN, you young Whippersnapper!


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