She prefers her family shaken, not stirred. Her mind games are masterful. You can never be sure of what she's got in secret pockets, or of her intentions with whatever it is she's got. She's completely predictable... in her chaotic, sporadic, mercurial kind of way.
Why, she's the most interesting teenager in the world. She's a smuggler of the highest class, and regardless of her associates and accomplices, she's always working for herself.
Why, she's the most interesting teenager in the world. She's a smuggler of the highest class, and regardless of her associates and accomplices, she's always working for herself.
No, seriously. Punkin is an expert, at a level that nearly makes me proud. I almost applaud her ingenuity, and exhausting perseverance. The way she can spin a story (and stick to it) rivals anything Shapiro or Cochran could have done. And Capone would've been in awe of her ability to bury evidence. Maybe we should've had Geraldo excavate her bedroom.
The Shakedown
On this occasion, certain familiar behaviors had given us probable cause, and the time had come for us to execute a parental search warrant upon the premises. The room itself was unassuming and quite typical of a teenage daughter, but during a bedroom shakedown... all things become suspect. The mattress is tossed, and we check in the webbing under the box spring, where the cat sometimes hides. The dresser drawers are emptied and turned upside down. We search the clothes in the dresser and the clothes in the closet. Even pillows and stuffed animals get the Charmin Experience.
I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive, when I say we "search every zipper and pocket of every purse, backpack, bookbag, suitcase, pencil case, and jewelry box." We search shoes, boots, socks, between the pages of books, as well as within CD, DVD, and various video game cases. All of it. Been there, done it.
I know it sounds extreme, but previous experience had taught us to be thorough. Think, for a moment about that law in Woodstood, New York that makes it illegal to walk your bear without a a leash. And you know, there wouldn't be a law about it, unless someone had done it. So believe me, if we are searching particular places, it's because they have been used to hide things; sometimes dangerous things. We had turned from Parents to Interpol, in an effort to protect our child.
Mr. Penguin didn't stand up against this interrogation, and he turned over the contraband he was smuggling beneath his hat. Said articles were confiscated, and the mastermind of the operation was charged. For his cooperation in the matter, Mr. Penguin was released, but he would remain under surveillance, probably for the rest of his existence.
But something about that search felt a little too easy. There was little to no resistance. Where were the tears, and the angry outbursts? Something wasn't right about her compliance. After a few days, we performed a followup.
I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive, when I say we "search every zipper and pocket of every purse, backpack, bookbag, suitcase, pencil case, and jewelry box." We search shoes, boots, socks, between the pages of books, as well as within CD, DVD, and various video game cases. All of it. Been there, done it.
I know it sounds extreme, but previous experience had taught us to be thorough. Think, for a moment about that law in Woodstood, New York that makes it illegal to walk your bear without a a leash. And you know, there wouldn't be a law about it, unless someone had done it. So believe me, if we are searching particular places, it's because they have been used to hide things; sometimes dangerous things. We had turned from Parents to Interpol, in an effort to protect our child.
On This Occasion
Mr. Penguin didn't stand up against this interrogation, and he turned over the contraband he was smuggling beneath his hat. Said articles were confiscated, and the mastermind of the operation was charged. For his cooperation in the matter, Mr. Penguin was released, but he would remain under surveillance, probably for the rest of his existence.
But something about that search felt a little too easy. There was little to no resistance. Where were the tears, and the angry outbursts? Something wasn't right about her compliance. After a few days, we performed a followup.
But what did we miss? All of the usual locations had been exhausted. We had to step up our game, think outside the box; something we thought we had been doing all along. We had to change our perspective. Scan with a keen eye for something out of the ordinary, but don't miss what's hidden in plain sight.
The carpet fibers... there, in the corner of the closet. They were loose. Upon inspection, they revealed a hidden chamber of contraband, tucked a few inches in.
Yeah, she was getting good. No... she had gotten good. She'd come a long way since trying to smuggle my makeup to school in her underwear. It was an eye shadow assortment, and a brand new six inch liner pencil... sticking up out of her pants, over the waistband of her jeans... like a Papuan native with a penis sheath.
She had become the personification of a highly effective parental on the job training course, especially if the parents were also interested in moonlighting as prison guards. Each room search would now include a carpet check.
Yeah, she was getting good. No... she had gotten good. She'd come a long way since trying to smuggle my makeup to school in her underwear. It was an eye shadow assortment, and a brand new six inch liner pencil... sticking up out of her pants, over the waistband of her jeans... like a Papuan native with a penis sheath.
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| Papuan Native with Koteka (penis sheath) |
She had become the personification of a highly effective parental on the job training course, especially if the parents were also interested in moonlighting as prison guards. Each room search would now include a carpet check.
When do you stop and ask yourself if the situation has gone too far? Is it when you're tearing up the carpet in your home, or do you wait until you're ripping out the drywall?
I had just began to ask myself if we had lost control of our paranoia, but before I could speak, Hubsy discovered the second hidden carpet chamber, not inches in, but expertly spread about four feet into the room; under the carpet, and the padding.
I had just began to ask myself if we had lost control of our paranoia, but before I could speak, Hubsy discovered the second hidden carpet chamber, not inches in, but expertly spread about four feet into the room; under the carpet, and the padding.
No... you know it's gone too far well before you have to start pulling out the power tools, and roping off grids for excavation.
Yes, we had gone to extremes. After all the years of walking on that line between paranoia and parenting, we lost our balance and let our collective foot touch down on the crazy side. But on the other hand, we have always found exactly what we were afraid of finding every time we looked, because she was also walking on the crazy side, going to extremes to defy us.
Mama, we're all crazy now!
Shortly after this incident, Punkin reached the age independence and rented a room from a friend. We've closed her case here at Inter-Parent-Pol. Our mission was completed. Our jurisdiction only covered her space within our walls... we can't shake down the whole world.
Yes, we had gone to extremes. After all the years of walking on that line between paranoia and parenting, we lost our balance and let our collective foot touch down on the crazy side. But on the other hand, we have always found exactly what we were afraid of finding every time we looked, because she was also walking on the crazy side, going to extremes to defy us.
Mama, we're all crazy now!
