Parenting The Unparentable

This post has been a long time coming, and I'm not just talking about my delay in writing it.  I also mean that our Punkin's latest incident has become the final straw.  They've been building and building, and now, finally, the camel's back is broken.

I'm sure no parent ever thinks that at some point in raising your child, there would come a time when a representative from a government agency would recommend to you, that you present your child to the Department of Juvenile Justice, and ask a judge to declare them "undisciplined" (which basically means "un-discipline-able").  And then to have that recommendation seconded by a representative of yet another state agency.  And then to have nearly everyone who knows you and your child, sadly agree.

I have hinted about the fact that our Punkin has been more than quite the challenge throughout the years.  The almost pathological lying.  Constant disobedience, and outright disrespect.  Sneaking out at night.  Violent tendencies toward her peers.  Cutting classes and failing grades.  Repetitive theft.  Setting fires.  Committing acts of self harm.  Since her second grade year... the endless parade of therapists and doctors.  A steady stream of medications.  An assortment of tests with no diagnoses.  School conferences, investigations, and a judge.    

Finally, it had come to this: almost two months ago, we found ourselves caught between a rock and that proverbial hard place.  On one side, we love our baby girl.  From the moment she was born, our heads filled with dreams and hopes for her future... and our future, with her.  On the other hand, loving her is now killing us.  Hubs and I are both now on medications to calm the anxiety and depression that these long years of worry, fear, frustration, and heartbreak.  Not to mention the crashing of our hopes for her, and the guilt and embarrassment she invokes.  Recently, after she once again attempted to have us investigated by child protective services,  I even began to see symptoms of emotional instability, that I learned to control years ago, trying to rear their ugly heads in my mind.  By the way, I say "attempted" because the agency declined to take the case.  You see, she's already had us investigated, and our home was found to be a safe and loving environment for all of our children.  I believe their file also indicates that Punkin uses the threat of CPS, as an act of vengeance against our authority when she's unhappy with the outcome of her own decisions.  She is an unruly child.

So, what do we do?  Take her a judge and wash our hands clean of it all?  The court will terminate our parental responsibility, and declare her a ward of the state, and she will then be sent to a foster or group home until she's eighteen.  The very thought of it takes me to the edge of those "symptoms" I mentioned earlier.  I confess, I toy with the idea.  I imagine the peace our household could experience.  A future, where I don't have to cringe when the phone rings, and Hubsy will never miss another day of work to deal with the aftermath of one of her impulsive moments.  Yes, I fantasize about it, but I just can't see it through.  Our family must stay together.  We're a team.  Family is an institution that is greater than the sum of it's parts.  We must be consistent, and reliable, even in times of torment.  Right?

So, maybe you're wondering what's been happening since this bomb went off nearly two months ago.  Well, Punkin has shaped up a bit.  Her plan to have us chastised by the state for our parenting has backfired, and the idea that the state has offered to take her off of our hands has scared her straight... I think.  She's been taking her schoolwork more seriously, and has improved some of her grades.  She's lowered her level of attitude to an acceptable degree.  Things are looking up.  So, after searching and finding no reasonable or affordable alternative placement for her, that is also therapeutic and temporary, as opposed to the Juvenile Justice Center... we've decided to just keep on keeping on.  Hubsy says "we've done it for all these years, what's two more?"  I was happy to hear him say that, but just between us, I'm still hoping for the apocalypse.

A Calm Approach To Discipline For A Change

Boy, we really threw Punkin for a loop yesterday.  It was only fair, since she threw me first. 

I had just come home from grocery shopping, in the early afternoon, and I was in the middle of trying to cram it all into the pantry and fridge, when I got the phone call.  It was one of the coaches from the high school, asking to speak to the parent of my only high schooler.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he was filling in for the administrator, and that he had my daughter in his office. 

"The school resource officer had returned her to the campus..." he said, when I interrupted him with ..."Whaaaaat?!".  "Yes, Ma'am," he said, "She was picked up down by the shopping center, with a friend...".  He explained that she would be given one day of out of school suspension, effective the next day, and asked me if I wanted to speak with her.  "Oooooh, I sure do."  I replied.

Of course I reamed her out.  I reminded her that her father was going to blow a fuse.  Now, in that moment, I wished I hadn't said that, because I didn't want her to think that he was the only one she had to fear.  Although I have done it in the past, I don't like to lay it all on Dad with the old "Wait until your father gets home".  I need to be seen as a disciplinarian just as well.  So, I made up for my statement by telling her that I didn't even know which one of us was going to have to hold the other one back.

Luckily for her, by the time she arrived home at the end of the day, I had been laughing hysterically, to the point of pain and tears, at an email full of catastrophic auto-corrected cellphone texts, ("Damn You, Autocorrect!"), and I was in a pretty darn good mood.  Even though I was speaking sternly (or trying to), I was having a hard time wiping the smile from my face, and out of my voice.  So, as she made her way to her room, for the first phase of her punishment, she was slightly confused.

Leaving her to the mercy of her big brother, I left to pick Hubsy up from work.  As we had already discussed over the phone, we decided to linger at his office, and plan the rest of Punkin's consequence, over a cup of coffee.  (Vanilla caramel cream, one of best Keurig flavors).  We agreed that this was not a specific "Punkin problem", but a typical "teenager problem", and decided on a different approach.

Upon arriving home, Husby's called for Punkin to join us downstairs for a meeting.  "I believe you have something to tell me", he calmly stated.  Nearly trembling with fear, she opened with an apology, and an admission of what she had done, along with an acknowledgement of the obvious stupidity of her actions.  He then spoke to her about his disappointment, and reminded her of our expectations, as well as the behavior required by the school.  The expression on her face was one of pure shock.  She anticipated an angry reaction, and something very loud to occur.  It didn't, and she really didn't know what to do with that. Together, our response was, "You did what you did, and now we have to do what we have to do.  There's no sense in getting emotional about it." 

She then began to assume her consequences.  "I expect that my current computer punishment will be extended.", she said.  (She's been banned for two weeks due a recent attempted refusal to hand over the password to her chat program).  Hubsy simply stated "No".  Punkin was floored.  Her sudden gape made her look like she had just stepped into the Twilight Zone, and I don't mean the one with glittery romantic vampires.  She continued, "I expect that my after school curfew will be moved up."  I jumped in on that one with "Absolutely".  She nodded.  Then Hubsy and I rounded out the meeting with handing her one week of solitary confinement in her room, to be broken only by family meals, and chores."  She nodded again.

As she turned to head back upstairs, she stopped and turned back to us.  "I just want to say thank you, Dad, for not yelling at me.  I was expecting you to blow up, and I was really scared, and I really appreciate that you didn't".  Hmmm.

Before going to bed, after dinner, we got our typical goodnight hugs.  Mine came with, "I'm really sorry for what I did today, and I'm really glad that you're a parent who cares."  I was quite taken aback, and I answered, "Have I ever been a parent who didn't care?"... "No", she said, "But I've been seeing lately that a lot of my friend's parents don't punish them for the stuff that they do, when they really should."  And then she went to bed.

Mission Accomplished.

Establishing The House Rules

Anyone with children should know by now that, what we call, "family rules" are really more like guidelines, and are completely negotiable. In fact, with the right combination of argument, debate, and whine, family rules can be easily undermined and overcome to the point of complete disintegration.  At least that's what they think.

There is only one remedy, and I've watched enough People's Court over the years to know that it's true.  You've got to put it in writing... put it all in writing.  I don't know why I didn't think of this before.  

So, we have a brightly colored, laminated list of written rules posted on a bulletin board, that hangs in our upstairs hallway. It used to hang downstairs in the foyer, by the staircase, but it was too often overlooked, and definitely needed to be more visible. The new location is in the upstairs hallway, where it faces all of their bedrooms, and is visible whenever they come and go. 

It took three days for my husband and I to decide on our rules, to be sure that they are reasonable and rational expectations, so take your time and consider your rules carefully. Rules that will not only keep chaos out of your home, but basic rules of civilization, that can set the kids up to hold better values throughout their lifetime.  They are not merely rules, they are commandments.  

We called a family meeting to order, and Hubsy and I fully explained the rules, even giving examples and laying out possible scenarios. We covered all the bases here, so that there can never be any confusion, that may lead to the chaos that I'm trying to avoid.

The House Rules

1)  Honesty.  This means no outright lying, fibbing, altering, or omitting information, especially when directly asked.

2)  No Taking of Other's Property.  Whether it's cash from my wallet, or coins from your sister's piggy bank; or property such as using your brother's cellphone, or your sister's Wii remote... there is be no using any object that belongs to someone else, without their expressed (not implied) permission. You must ask and they must say yes. Period.

3)  Do What You Are Asked To Do: Example: "it's time to get off of the computer and get ready for bed", "be home from your friend's house by 6:00", "you can only have three cookies before dinner".

4)  Speaking Properly.  There is to be no whining or raising of the voice when addressing your parents, persons of authority, or any other adult while they are guests in our home.

5)  Cleaning Up After Yourself.  This is Mom's pet peeve.  Pick your wet towels up off of the bathroom floor!  Put your shoes in the closet!  See that your cereal bowl finds it way to the sink!  etc. etc. etc.

6)  Hygiene.  Encompassing every aspect of personal care and cleanliness: brushing teeth at least twice a day, skin care, washing and brushing hair, bathing, using deodorant, and washing hands after bathroom use or outdoor play.

7)  Schoolwork.  Not just homework, and grades, but all forms of proper school conduct. No negative phone calls or emails from teachers. Don't call me from the nurse's office and try to get yourself picked up for a simple ailment that will pass shortly.   

8)  No Physical Fighting.  Isn't this self explanatory?  No hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, slapping, tying your sister to a tree...  Basically keep your hands and feet to yourself.

9)  Daily Chores.  Completing all chores that are specifically required of you every day.  Maybe you have dish duty, walking the dog, or cleaning out the kitty litter. (We also made a chart of chores).

10)  Respect.  This one can be tricky, and sort of wraps a lot of things up into one category.  We try to limit this to eye rolling, disrespectful comments like "whatever", name calling, slamming doors, and other similar behaviors.

Along with our House Rules, we created an infraction chart; a calendar of the seven days of the week for each child, from the grade school-er to the high school graduate. It is also laminated, so that we can write on it with a dry erase marker, and easily wipe it clean, for reuse. If you can't laminate your chart, then just make copies of it, and put up a fresh chart every Monday morning, or whatever day you might choose on which to start a new week.

When an infraction occurs we write the number of the rule that was broken (#4, #8) on that day, and there will be a small repercussion. Usually two to three hours without a particular privilege. Something like two hours without your MP3 player or phone, or no video game on any platform for three hours. 

Now, we are not expecting perfection. They are just human, after all, and two of mine can truly be classified as children. Two infractions a day can be forgivable, although they still get the above mentioned repercussion, per mark. But once the third mark is made, in the span of one day, the offender will now suffer the immediate removal of their favorite privilege, and to be without it for the entire following day. 

Yes, you should keep your consequences small, and for brief periods of time. Kids can't really anticipate something that far in advance. After two weeks without the PlayStation or a cellphone, some kids sort of lose hope of ever having it back. Keep the reward foreseeable.  

Acceptable behavior within a family is a matter of conditioning, and the earlier you start the better. The rules will vary from household to household, depending on what various children struggle with.  Give it much consideration before you commit to the chart, because once it's written, it cannot be changed. It is written in stone. You don't want to mess with consistency. 

Once our chart went into play, I found a great pressure lifted off of my shoulders. I am no longer the bad guy, the meanie, the bitch. I get to just refer to the chart, and say something like: 

"My hands are tied" or

"So let it be written, so let it be done."