Going hand in hand with How To Show Kids That Parents Are Not Furniture, here are ten misconceptions that children have about their parents.
1) The sole and most important reason for our existence on the planet is ... them. Our careers are only the means to supply them with their every wish. Our hobbies and interests are only a way to pass the time, until they call on us again, to fulfill their every demand. What's ours in theirs, and what's theirs... seems insignificant compared to what's ours, and that's why they want it!
2) That we keep a secret storage unit somewhere, full of batteries, replacement parts, food, cash, and an assortment of other items. When something is needed or wanted, we simply pull it out of our... "unit"... so to speak!
3) That we have no interest in sexuality. In fact, once the last child was born, all parental sexual organs ceased to function. They may have even completely disappeared!
4) That we find their forms of entertainment just as exhilarating as they do. That we would enjoy a hot bath, a glass of wine, and losing ourselves in a Junie B. Jones novel. That we sit on the edge of our seats, worried that Justin and Alex are going to get caught using their wizard powers in public.
5) That we know everything about everything. (This misconception comes at an early age, disappears, and then returns in their mid twenties). Now, in the age of Google, it's easy to perpetuate this phase. Within minutes I can provide a list of criteria that separates a mammal from an amphibian, or the life cycle of an earthworm, or even the Pythagorean theorem. It's when the questions are phrased in a personal way that I feign ignorance. "So, Mom, do you remember what it was like during the first ice age?" ... I don't know, Honey, I was vacationing in Bermuda that year.
6) That we know nothing about anything. (This endearing phase fills the mysterious gap between the number 5s). I would give you an example, but what do I know? I'm just a parent.
7) That we were never children, or that times have changed so drastically since we were, that our memories of it are irrelevant to the now. We have no idea how frustrating homework can be, or how much chores can suck. Or, as in number 8, we haven't already been inside that bag of tricks, to get something over on a parent.
8) That our brain cells disintegrate at an alarming rate, past the age of thirty, to the point of sheer gullibility, rendering us utterly defenseless against the many explanations (aka excuses) about low grades, messy rooms, and missed curfews.
9) That Mom and Dad run the household as a democracy, where everyone gets a vote in every proposition, and every vote counts equally. That they have certain inalienable rights, to free speech, free press, and free rent.
10) Mom and Dad will always be there, even when they wish we weren't. We are also guilty of this. Not a single one of us, parent or child, is guaranteed a life of eighty or more years. So, lets choose our battles more carefully, and hug each other more often, while we still can.